The apple is rotten right to the core

Yukta Parikh
July 26, 2024

In my brat era which means diving into generational trauma. Everyone say thank you Charli xcx.

❝

“You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you”

Kamala Harris

Context is important. We don’t exist in this world alone. We exist alongside our histories, cultures, traditions, and families. It’s comforting because we aren’t alone. We aren’t lost. We have history to look back on, stories to learn from, and voices to guide us.

But what happens when that culture, tradition, and family are plagued by generational trauma and violence? It carries through bloodlines and across nations. On one hand, it’s powerful to know that many strong women came before me. Because of them, I can live the life I have now. But they are also why I am trapped in a life planned for me. Trauma passed from one generation to another is nothing new, but it’s something I’ve never faced directly until now.

I think of all the versions of myself that I was afraid of being because of the plans my parents had for me. I wanted to pursue music, journalism, writing, art, and more. But I didn’t pursue it because it would mean going against my parents. I was deeply afraid of disappointing them. In their eyes, I should do everything exactly how they want me to. But I can’t function when I’m being constantly told how to be. No one can. To my parents, going against one's parents is the ultimate sin.

I was warned about a neighbor's daughter who jumped at the opportunity to leave this town and never returned. She went on to become a doctor and now lives happily miles away. I was told I could never do that, I could never leave. I had to do exactly what my parents said and I had to stay in their house until marriage. Back then, I did everything to not become our neighbor's daughter. Now, I know she left because she had to and I’m realizing it’s my time to do the same, just not across the country.

I felt trapped and suffocated for so long, I had started to normalize it. I thought avoiding being at home as much as possible was normal. I thought it was normal to be on the brink of panic attacks in a “safe” place. I thought it was normal to hide certain things because I knew they would react terribly. I rationalized all of it so I could make it through.

My journals and writings from high school were filled with a desire to be free, escape, and take control of my life. I couldn’t do anything about it then.

❝

“The tradition of all dead generations weighs like a nightmare on the brains of the living”

Karl Marx

My therapist tells me that to end the cycle for future generations, you have to end the cycle with yourself. I didn’t know how to do that at first. How do you break out of something you’ve become so accustomed to? I had to start being uncomfortable.

I’ve always been the perfect daughter, or at least I tried to be, so pushing back has been a hard journey. But if I don’t start taking control of my own life, I’ll always be stuck in cycles that are hurting me. I lived 24 years like that, I’m not losing another year of my life to be a person I never was.

I’m supposed to be visiting my parents this weekend, but I told them I wouldn’t. I am feeling extremely anxious about it, but I know it’s temporary. The discomfort I’m feeling right now is only going to make my life better in the future. I’m constantly reminding myself that I’m not doing anything wrong, but after years of guilting and shaming, I’m fighting my inner demons.

Brat summer is going great 💚