A month or so ago, Bad Bunny’s song DTMF was trending on TikTok. People shared photos of their home countries that they had taken to this song. They expressed longing for a time that had passed them by. Each version made me nostalgic for the place I came from. I’ve lost a lot of my Spanish understanding over the years, but somehow you didn’t need to know the words to understand the feeling of the song.

The song and the trend inspired me to write the following:

Suddenly, I miss something I never had: a childhood I never experienced and a country I’ve never known as mine. I miss the nostalgia of a life I could have had if my parents had never left their home. I want to go back to something I can never go to but it was never mine to return to in the first place. 

I remember street food and riding on my uncle’s motorcycle on the streets of Mumbai. I remember the dog that chased me up the stairs of my aunt’s house and the sugar and butter sandwiches she made me. Later she let me go through her jewelry boxes and try on my first pair of dangly earrings. We played with marbles and snakes and ladders in her living room. I remember walking through a bazaar in Goa, in awe. I remember shopping with my mom and aunt. I watched them negotiate with shop owners and drape colorful fabrics over their shoulders. 

This was 17 years ago. I still have those dangly earrings. I still have those memories, but I should have taken more photos. There’s so much I don’t remember. 

In 2012, my parent’s basement flooded. The basement where we stored all our memories. Photos from my 4th birthday, in a velvet red dress and cake on my face. Photos of my mom with her siblings in India. Photos of my parent's wedding and of when they bought their house. The same house they’re planning to sell in the coming months. And so many more that I can’t remember now. All were destroyed in a blink. Decades have disappeared to the decay of time. 

I should have taken more photos. 

Now I understand why my grandma tried so hard to teach me how to read and write in Gujarati. I can speak it pretty well and do so regularly, but I still search for the right words. My tongue scrambles for the right way to express my thoughts, it used to be like breathing. I can’t breathe the same anymore without her here. She wanted to keep her story alive far beyond her life, but with every passing day, I’m losing the language that connected me to her. My memory keeps her in my heart, but I fear the day it leaves me. 

Debí tirar más fotos. 

Currently Consuming

Reading

• Nothing there is no time i fear 

Watching

• Running Point on Netflix 

  • I loved it omg, Mindy Kaling is my fave

Listening

• Too Much by Dove Cameron 

Life Recently

I started a new job at the American Dental Association! It’s been over a month, and working in an office again was nice. 

However, I struggled a lot with finding balance in my life again after starting a new job while taking the hardest class of my MBA. I’m finally winding down from the stress. 

I was summoned for jury duty for the first time! They sent me home though, which I am so thankful for because being on a jury for 2 weeks while completing finals would be the end for me. 

See ya! 

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week!

Want more Yukta? Find me here:

LinkedIn

Goodreads

Spotify

TikTok