Getting back to myself

Yukta Parikh
July 11, 2025

A couple of months ago, I wrote about love. I wrote about how I found myself and learned that love really is all around me.

I lost that version of myself that wrote that beautiful piece. She’s not gone like dead or anything, she’s just been in a deep, dark basement recently. So she’s still me, I do know that love is all around me. Duh.

But I think I lost myself a little bit.

And it’s okay, I’ve been a busy girl! I lost my job, got a new job, got into a relationship, fought with my parents, crashed out about everything under the sun, took corporate finance, and suffered through Chicago winter. And if you’re not careful, all those things can cloud what is most important to you, which is exactly what it did to me. Especially corporate finance, which took my spark.

Not completely, of course! But it’s easy to get wrapped up in life and forget that finding myself is something I have to do every day. It’s an iterative process that gets easier the more you do it. The key is that you have to keep doing it. But recently, I’ve been feeling a deep unhappiness. Not like a depressive episode needing an intervention, but just unhappy. The unhappiness is a result of forgetting what was important to me.

So…how do I get back to myself?

I’m starting by honoring my goals. I haven’t completely forgotten my goals, but my goals outside of getting good grades have definitely been pushed aside. And I achieved that goal (that’s right, I got all A’s)!

I’m getting back in the gym. There was a good chunk of time there where the stairs to get out of the red line were leaving me struggling to breathe. I want to be able to take the stairs without coughing up a lung.

I’m going on walks again, as often as I can. Physical activity makes me feel strong in my body and also quells my anxiety. The last few days (as I am writing this), I have been going on morning walks. It’s a lovely way to start my day, and it’s making me feel better. I’m calmer, less anxious, and able to sit at my desk and work.

I’m returning to my low buy 2025, as much as I can. Shopping is a distraction I use to escape the empty feeling inside, which is not healthy. I need to address the feeling directly instead of trying to hide it.

I need to spend more time with myself. This means going on solo dates again, doing things even if no one can do them with me, and getting off my damn phone. Scrolling is another distraction I use to avoid uncomfortable feelings.

I’m cracking open that journal and getting back to what makes me the best version of me, writing. I’ve been scared of my journal, because I’ve been scared of facing my unhappiness. But if I don’t face it, I can’t overcome it. And to be completely honest, I started writing this a month ago but put it away because I was close to revealing my unhappiness. Funnily enough, this past weekend I came across a deck of tarot cards and decided to pull a card for myself. I pulled the nine of swords, which is associated with anxiety and fear. I can run from my journal as much as I want, but not from the truth.

These last couple of months, I’ve been abandoning myself, so of course I got lost. Part of me feels disappointed in myself that I lost track of the most important relationship in my life. The other part of me knows that there will be seasons where I focus on other things. The important part is that I’m coming back to myself.

As my therapist would put it, I’m in park, just need to shift back into drive.

Currently Consuming

Reading

Great Big Beautiful Life by Emily Henry
- Still working on this one, I fear
Waste by Catherine Coleman Flowers
- Reading this for the Chicago Public Library summer reading challenge!

Watching