I’ve written so many versions of this newsletter, but none of them seem right. One version sugarcoats everything because how dare I be ungrateful. Another version is all the bad stuff because someone needs to talk about it. I’m hoping this version can be a happy medium because I am grateful for my parents. I’m grateful for all they’ve done and forgiven them for what they couldn’t do. 

My parents and the majority of my dad’s family immigrated to the United States in the 80’s. They worked hard for everything. My dad worked whatever job he could get right away and even worked night shifts when I was a kid. My mom worked several jobs and then, also cooked, cleaned, and took care of me. They were working to the bone for the American dream and raised me with the same work ethic. 

They also raised me with the same generational trauma and violence that haunted them. I can’t blame them for it, but I can talk about it. They didn’t know how to manage their emotions or how to teach another human how to manage hers. My parents argued with each other constantly and put me in the middle. My parents needed me to help them fill out government forms, explain how grades worked, and figure out how I would go to college. 

I had to grow up quickly so that I could help them and help myself. They spoke English and were able to communicate, but they had no clue how the school system worked or how applying to college worked. They needed me to help with everything they weren’t able to understand. I had to figure out the common app, SATs, financial aid, and scholarships myself. I quickly became hyper independent, because, of course, I would. At the same time though, my parents infantilized me. I second-guessed my decisions because I was taught I couldn’t make them. I didn’t have the ability or I wasn’t old enough. Even now, my mom cooks me meals and acts surprised when I make my meals without her help. I was mature enough to figure out financial aid and take out loans, but not mature enough to have control over my own life. 

And beyond that, even though my parents didn’t understand the American school system, they wanted me to be perfect. That constant pressure was stifling. I needed perfect grades, perfect SATs, and a perfect college. That need for perfection was there my whole life. I was never quite enough. There was always something more I could be doing to be perfect in their eyes. Combine that pressure with the model minority myth and I felt like I could barely breathe. I was constantly trying to please people and consumed with anxiety. Please my parents, please the world, and fit into the role I was supposed to fill. 

I quickly realized that I couldn’t keep going the way I was. I needed to address how growing up with so much pressure impacted me. I was stressed, anxious, and burned out. 

I went to therapy. 

It didn’t solve everything, but it helped me break out of the cycles I was stuck in. See my life from the outside rather than where I was stuck. It helped me see my parents as people who were also struggling. 

They were in a new world where nothing functioned the way they knew. My mom moved to the US right after marriage, her life changed so fast. She didn’t have the tools to deal with what she was experiencing. Suddenly she had a new family in a foreign country. It’s stressful. And she’s just a person. My parents worked labor-intensive jobs, and they still do. They didn’t give themselves space to rest and breathe. They placed immense pressure on me because they put that same pressure on themselves. Even now, my mom is stuck in a scarcity mindset. She won’t quit her job because, in her mind, she needs the money. She still can’t relax on vacation and counts pennies because she had to for decades. 

Therapy taught me that I didn’t need to be the same. I didn’t need to struggle, I had the tools my parents didn’t. Therapy taught me that I can forgive my parents and I can move forward. I can be better for myself and my future. 

Things are different now. My parents and I get along, we can laugh, and we can heal. Issues come up, but now I’m better equipped to handle them. I learned how to set boundaries and slowly I’m dealing with how the way I grew up impacted me. It’s a very slow process, but that’s how healing is. 

I love my parents because they taught me hard work, resilience, and persistence. I always hope I’m making them proud, regardless of what we’ve been through. I remember when I graduated college, my parents were so happy. My dad especially because he always wanted to go to college (his name is my middle name, so his name was on my diploma). And it made it much clearer to me why I needed to heal. I needed to heal for them so they could see their dreams become reality. And for me, so that the cycle ends. However, one day I might have a kid writing about the ways I traumatized them…at least I’ll be better…I hope LOL.

I hope that more children of immigrants can speak up about their experiences. I was taught that there are some things we should never talk about because of fear of what others will say. But we should and need to talk about our experiences. But I won’t lie, this was hard to write! There’s so much still missing from this, but becoming more comfortable sharing my experiences is healing for me. I hope we can all one day speak freely about what we’ve been through. 

Currently Consuming

Reading

• “The Fragile Threads of Power” by V.E. Schwab (one of my FAVORITE authors!!!)

  • Still working on this, but so far SO GOOD. Lila Bard + Kell Maresh are my faves and I’ve loved them since 2017. 

Watching

• The Rookie on Hulu

  • Chenford broke up and that might be the end for me I fear….

Listening

• By the time this newsletter is out…..so will The Tortured Poets Department and I will be in my psych ward dark academia era. Watch out!! Live, laugh, Taylor Swift!!

  • Ok this is me after listening to the album: um wow….that hurt!!! but it was so good. Florida ate. Guilty as sin ate. I can do it with a broken heart???? so real, so valid.

  • The 15 more songs was insane….

• Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter!!!!

Life Recently

Played pickleball with the besties for the first time. I might be an athlete…..and I definitely got a tan. Summer Yukta is on her way!!!

I’m on a mission to bring back 2012 Instagram and the casual vibes. My aesthetic is now no aesthetic. 

This week I learned about workflow and production operations. I was also learning about the 4C’s of strategy/planning. Fun stuff!!! 

See ya! 

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week!

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