Healing isn’t a destination. I’m still getting there, trying to find the good, healing, learning, figuring out who I am, and looking for joy every day. But most importantly, I’m still here and can choose to be happy here. 

Sometimes I think my life will be perfect when I have this one thing. I’ll be happy when I have the thing and nothing else will matter. I’ll be happy when I get the degree, I’ll be happy when I’m 25, I’ll be happy when I have a boyfriend, I’ll be happy when I get married, I’ll be happy when I have a kid, I’ll be happy when I buy a house, and blah blah blah. 

But I won’t be happy, I’ll get there and be the same person who wishes to be there. That’s the harsh truth I’ve been coming to terms with as I get closer to 25. 

Happiness won’t be found once I have everything I’ve ever wanted, happiness has to be found here. I might not have everything right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the journey there. I might not get those things one day, but that won’t matter because I wasn’t waiting for them to live my life. I was living despite not having it all.

One thing that I learned this year was that I am responsible for my happiness. More than that, I’m responsible for saving myself because I’m the only one who can change my reality. No one else can do it for me. 

I came across this quote from Grey’s Anatomy last week, and it brought me back to reality. When I first began watching the show, I saw myself in Meredith. She was holding so much trauma in herself, the same way I was at the time. Seeing her pull herself through and out of the darkness made me feel for her, but it also forced me to see how far I had pulled myself. I had to do it myself. 

This doesn’t mean I was alone; it means only I can do the work. Only I can take the steps towards healing and the life I want. Other people can support me, but I had to find it in myself to get the help I needed to get to where I wanted to go. 

I’m still learning this lesson. I’m learning to find the reassurance I need within myself, and I am improving. I wish I was improving faster, I wish I was further along in the process. I wish I didn’t still have to shift my perspectives and rewire my brain. 

The funny thing is this exact song was playing as I was writing the last few sentences. Whenever I find myself wishing I was somewhere else or at some other point in my life, this song comes to my mind. It reminds me to be kind to myself because I’ve made it this far. I can keep going and I can keep getting better. 

Recently, I was talking to my parents about how to motivate my dad to be more active. My mom’s opinion was that he needed a harsh coach or person to get him motivated. My opinion was that the harshest coach can’t do what you mentally need to do. If my dad doesn’t accept that he needs to be more active and intentionally decides to make the change, no one else will be able to convince him. My mom, however, was convinced that a mean and harsh critic was the only way. 

At that moment, I realized that my internal voice used to be a mean and harsh critic. That internal voice didn’t make me better, it made me worse. It was the thief of my happiness. 

I can wish all I want that I was further along in my healing journey, but the reality is this is where I’m at. I have to accept that or I’ll never get closer to where I’m supposed to be. I have to be kind to myself and I have to be present where I am. 

Now I’m learning to stop looking at the horizon and instead at the ground underneath me. 

Currently Consuming

Reading

• I fear…I have not read a single thing since last week…..

Watching

• Ugly Betty

• Doctor Oddessy 

• WICKED!!!

  • Amazing, I simply have no words. I am a musical girlie to my core.

Listening

• Defying Gravity 

My notes app this week

 Song lyrics that resonated with me

“The places I called home, they still live on memory lane,” Olivia O’Brien, Memory Lane

“I pull a Britney every other week,” Lola Young, Messy

“Usually I’m f*cked up, anxious, too much, but I’ll love you like you need me to,” Ariana Grande, Imperfect For You

“I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me,” Taylor Swift, New Romantics

Quotes I came across 

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” - Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

“You go on by finding a channel for your love and another for your rage.” - Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things 

“Holding on is a victory in itself.” - Mahmoud Darwish, Memory for Forgetfulness: August, Beirut, 1982

“Remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.” - May Sarton, Journal Of A Solitude

See ya! 

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week!

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