For the longest time, I would tell myself I needed to be perfect. I said it to myself like it was an affirmation. 

I will be perfect. I will be perfect. I will be perfect. 

Repeated in my mind over and over like a mantra I could not let go of. It kept me going, it woke me up at 6 am, got me to my classes, and got me to my job, but it did not get me to happiness. It got me in a hole that I was digging deeper and sinking further into.

There was an indescribable dread building inside me, but I covered it with the band-aid of “I will be perfect.”

But I was never perfect for the person I was doing all this for, my mom. I was too busy, or too focused on work, or too focused on school, or too into myself, or too attached, or too close, or too far, but never just right. Too messy or too perfect, but never just human. 

“Because I’m too messy, and then I’m too f*cking clean. You told me “get a job” then you ask where the hell I've been”

In a world of aesthetics and comparison, it’s easy to think that perfection is achievable. I can do it all. I can be it all. In reality, I can’t. I’m going to make a mess, make mistakes, and do the wrong thing, and forgive myself every single time. 

I cannot curate myself to happiness. I can’t tame every frizzy stray hair, straighten out every wave in my hair, get every particle of dust off my shelf, or color inside the lines at all times. Social media and society will make it seem like it’s the easiest thing, but that would be a lie. We cannot live our lives within the confines of what society deems appropriate. 

As I began the healing process, I would get upset with myself when I was sad or upset about the things I was supposed to be getting over. I thought if I was healed, then I wouldn’t have bad days anymore. I thought if I was healed, then I would be perfect, finally. But that’s completely false.

That sort of thinking was holding me back from the human experience. Healing isn’t about becoming perfect, it’s about finding the person you were before the trauma took them away. That person wasn’t perfect, but she was happy. Every day, I’m making my way back to her. 

Currently Consuming

Reading

• The Final Girl Support Group by Grady Hendrix

Watching

• Abbott Elementary

Listening

• Kelsea Ballerini because I just saw her in concert yesterday!

My notes app this week

2025 ins and outs 

Ins

Barre classes

Low buy

Less consumerism

Pouring into my cup first

Spending time with friends 

Pinterest

Journaling

Self-regulation 

Writing

Routines

Slowing down

New Music 

Outs

Perfectionism

Anxious attachment

Haters

High screen time

Waiting on other people

Wishing and not doing 

Over drinking 

Boredom

Dehydration

Mean girl energy 

See ya! 

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week!

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