Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the person I used to be. And the person that I am now. And how I am that person because of who I used to be, who I used to love, who was around me, and what I lost. I’m a mosaic of everyone and everything that came before me. And not all of those things and people are with me today. 

I think of my blue Converse that were falling apart at the seams. I tossed them a few months ago, but I held onto them for much too long. They were my first pair of Converse, I had wanted Converse for years. My parents thought they were a waste of money. One day, in high school, my mom finally said yes. So I bought those blue Converse. I wore them everywhere because I loved them so much. They got me through crushes, college applications, my first college party, my first college bar, my first kiss, my numerous heartbreaks, and so much more. I held onto them so tightly even when the sole was popping out and I couldn’t walk through puddles without my socks soaking through. But I couldn’t let them go. Even to my detriment. 

That’s how I’ve felt about everything in my life. If I don’t hold on tight, then I’ll lose everything I’ve ever wanted. If I don’t control everything, then I’ll never have anything. Losing things felt like the end. But losing is how we find something worth winning. Everything you lose is a step you take in the wise words of Taylor Swift.

I think of the childhood version of me. She was just a kid but she was dealing with so much that a child should never have to deal with. And that made me angry. So angry, that I was always simmering below the surface. My shoulders always tense, grinding my teeth in my sleep, eyebrows permanently raised. I felt resentment and sometimes still do towards the adults in my life. Adults that were supposed to protect me, but instead allowed me to grow up in the center of violence. But holding onto that was hurting me. So much. I couldn’t hold onto how other people disappointed me because it had nothing to do with me. And everything to do with them. 

She didn’t get to be a child but I have to let that go. I can’t go back and change that, no matter how much I wish I could. She’ll always be part of me, and so what I can do is live for her and be better for her. I know she would be proud of the person we became regardless of what happened before. 

I think of the two-week situationship from 2022. Not often and now with no feeling, but it was the first time I wanted something to work out so badly. I wanted to hold on tight and never let it go even if it hurt me. And it did. I didn’t get what I wanted, and I was crushed. I thought it was finally my turn, but it wasn’t. It was just another heartbreak to write about in my journal and process with my friends during our nightly debriefs. I couldn’t let go and it was causing me deep anxiety to the point that I thought I was sick. This person is no longer in my life and never will be, but he taught me to let go when I didn’t want to. To let go even if it was what I’ve always wanted. Because deep down, I knew it wasn’t right. The right person wouldn’t make me feel like I have to hold on as tight as I can. If it was meant for me, I wouldn’t have had to lose myself to get it. So I had to let it go. 

Letting go isn’t easy. I couldn’t just tell myself I was over it and then be over it. I’m still letting go of things. I’m still making space for what’s going to stay. I’m still making room for the person I will be. Life is a cycle of making mistakes, learning from them, and then making new mistakes. You have to let go to make new mistakes because we are so not making old mistakes. 

One last song lyric to wrap it up 🤭

Currently Consuming

Reading

• Wildfire by Hannah Grace

• This newsletter: https://onyiverse.substack.com/ 

Watching

• Sex and the city! I’m on season 4 

  • I love deep dives into female relationships

Listening

• My May playlist!

• Suki Waterhouse

  • Specifically this EP

Life Recently

I had a busy busy weekend last weekend!

Chappell Roan night 

Graduation party 

Tao nightclub 

And I’m moving tomorrow! 

See ya! 

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week!

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