The fear of making mistakes is deeply ingrained in me. I hate to do something wrong and to be perceived in a way that I don’t want. 

I often find myself in shame cycles because I can’t deal with the fact that I can mess up. The negative voice takes over and I berate myself for not behaving in a way that I should. Not being perfect and others not seeing me as perfect breaks the illusion I have in my mind. The illusion of perfection. 

As humans, we can’t be perfect. It’s impossible, but after years of overreactions to mistakes, I practically trained myself in the art of perfectionism. It was a coping mechanism that fed heavily into my anxiety. The constant self-monitoring kept me from staying in the moment. I learned recently that this is self-oriented perfectionism. I need to be perfect so that I can meet the expectations I put on myself. 

Once in college, I was doing horribly in one of my classes, almost to the point of failing and missing several assignments. I was deeply burnt out, which was a side effect of my need to be perfect. It also meant that my anxiety was at an all-time high. I couldn’t face the fact that I wasn’t doing well and it felt horrible to not do well in school. So much of my self-worth throughout high school and college was attached to how well I was doing in school. My nearly failing grade felt like I was failing myself and the expectations set for me. 

I now know that my need for perfection is rooted in fear. I’ve been moving through life scared of how others would see me and scared of disappointing everyone. If I was perfect then other people would only see perfection. If I was perfect then I wasn’t letting down my parents. If I was perfect then I would have friends. Facing that I was doing badly in a class meant facing that I wasn’t perfect. If I wasn’t perfect, then what was I?

Beyond that, I know why I’m so scared of making mistakes. In my household, one mistake was held over my head for years. My parents don’t let go of what they perceive as wrongdoing on my end. So every time I make a new mistake, it’s held over me again. The thing is though, as humans, we are bound to make mistakes. I’m learning not to hold my own mistakes against myself. I’m beginning to learn to be imperfect. I started with my grades. 

Grad school is an entirely different beast, and instead of focusing on being perfect, I’m focusing on learning. There is so much to learn about marketing and the world of business, and that is much more important to me than a grade. I’m learning to accept that I can get a B and still be proud of myself. 

Growing up the way I did, all of the emphasis was on good grades. Anything less than a 95 would be a disappointment to my parents. So much so that I would stop telling my parents my grades, especially if I didn’t get an A. And that is where fear came in. 

Now, I try my best and give myself room to make mistakes. Making mistakes is how you learn. 

While my perfectionism isn’t holding me back in school anymore, it still rears its ugly head elsewhere. And that elsewhere is what I’m working on facing. 

Currently, my therapist is helping me face my fears to get to the root of my anxiety and everything that comes with it. I say helping but really she’s making me do most of the work, which sucks, but every day feels better <3 

Currently Consuming

Reading

• A thousand heartbeats by Kiera Cass 

Watching

• Dynasty 

  • This is a rewatch!!

Listening

• Cut! by Maren Morris and Julia Michaels

Life Recently

• Niall Horan concert

  • Bought these tickets so long ago and it was such a great concert! Was raining so much though and we got drenched on our way out. But it was fun :)

• Housewarming for new apartment!

  • Invited our friends over to see our new apartment!! Love the new place for real.

See ya! 

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week!

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