To be human is to make mistakes. I’ve made many and I’m sure I’ll make more in the future. I had to begin showing myself compassion for those mistakes. 

I was not raised to be compassionate towards myself. I was not raised to listen to myself or listen to my body. I was raised not to make mistakes and work too hard. I was raised to push my feelings aside and be hyper-aware of mistakes or wrongdoings. 

Undoing everything I had learned to be true about mistakes has been challenging. 

How do you stop shaming yourself for past mistakes? How do you look towards a future where you are no longer afraid of making mistakes? How do you forgive others and yourself for past mistakes?

I don’t know but I do know that leading with compassion helps. 

Learning to accept love is a radical act. How can we shift to let love in? How do we make room for community care and love in a capitalistic society? 

To love is to give freely without expecting it to return, but it always comes back. It comes back in sunlight and birds in the sky. Accepting love means accepting ourselves where we are. We deserve to love and be loved right where we are.

This week my therapist and I explored why it’s so hard for me to ask for help and to seek comfort in the people I love. It’s because I was never shown that I could. Trying to share how I was feeling with my parents was never welcome. They didn’t know what to do with my emotions, let alone their own. It was a sign of weakness to them. 

When your community doesn’t display the love and care you so deeply desire, where does that leave us? Alone? 

I grew up so used to needing to care for myself and my parents that now I don’t know how to let someone care for me. It feels unreal that someone would want to make me feel better and would want to let me express how I’m feeling. All I’ve known is myself, shame, and crying alone in my room. Which doesn’t bode well for a healthy relationship with emotions.

I used to get so angry at myself for feeling so much. My mom was always so angry that I thought it made sense, the anger I could feel. But anger is a disease that will erode you if you don’t stop it. I was letting it erode me for years. Anger increases your blood pressure, causes skin flare-ups, and leads to an increased risk of heart attacks. I was taking years off my life because I kept it all in. 

I’m not so angry anymore, because I’ve learned how to better express it and not keep it in anymore. But I was stuck in flight or fight for so long that it felt strange to not be anymore. Anger was a coping mechanism though. It’s easier to be angry than to let myself feel everything I was covering up with it. 

Showing myself compassion and changing my inner voice transformed my anger into what it really was. Pain, anxiety, frustration, and sadness. Then it allowed me to process what I was trying to hide finally. Letting the anger go is helping me make room for the love I want to give and receive. 

Currently Consuming

Reading

• Absolutely nothing I hate it

• Read the friend zone by Abby Jimenez but it sucked i fear 

Watching

• Ugly Betty

  • It makes me want to work at a magazine…..

Listening

• Haunt Me by Yana

• October Playlist 

My notes app this week

 Song lyrics that resonated with me

“Life’s too short to even care at all” - Young the Giant, Cough Syrup

“For once in my life, I won’t let sorrow hurt me” - Stevie Wonder, For Once In My Life 

“Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it’s a circle, circling around again” - Andy Grammer, Keep Your Head Up

Life recently 

 Haven’t done a life update in a while!! I deeply apologize…..

Today is my last day at my current job which is scary but also super exciting. I’ll always believe that the universe has a plan for me and taking things out is just making room for something else. So if you know anyone hiring……help a girl out thanks :)

And don’t forget to go vote if you haven’t yet!

See ya! 

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week!

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