Recently, I’ve been feeling the need to take this newsletter in a more creative direction. School and work take up so much of my time that I need to make writing just fun and creative. While this piece isn’t necessarily fun, it feels more authentic to me than the content I started out with in this newsletter. I started off trying to create a “brand,” but that’s not true to myself. I don’t want to fit into a box of words and themes. I was trying to utilize the skills I was learning in my last job, which is great, but I never wanted to be a “thought leader.” I wanted to be a writer, so for the time being, I am writing what feels true to me and seeing where it takes me. 

I pick, and I pick at the same words. Put them in a different order, change the verbs, and add new adjectives, but it’s the same story. The story never changes, and it never has; maybe it never will. How can I look for new words when the same ones have been here forever? These words are here, they made me into who I am. And now, who I am and maybe even who I will be. 

It’s the wound that never heals. I went to therapy, but the wound didn’t disappear. The sands of time shift, and it hides from me. But the cut is to the bone, it doesn’t just hide. The sands shift again, and the scar is revealed to the world once again. The salt is sprinkled, and the skin tears open, blood spilling like it never stopped. 

It’s the wound that never heals. I completed therapy, and I thought that was it; I was healed. I am healed, I am healing, unfortunately, healing isn’t an end goal it’s a moving target. I’m still moving, the car is in drive, but the reverse is gone. My therapist, in our last session, told me, I’m not moving backward, I’m just parking. I’ve been parked, I can’t reach for the gear shift, I’m frozen, and the wound is back. Because it never heals. 

I pick and I pick at the scab. I always pick at the scabs, I scratch at my arms. I can’t stop picking. I like to take the bad and make it worse. One thought, and a minute late,r I’m at the bottom of a very deep well. 

They should create a brain surgery that cuts away the things that ruined me, so I can be the person I lost to the years. Find the wound, and take it out before it metastasizes. Is there a form of radiation that can remove my anger? Science tells me that holding onto anger can make you more susceptible to immune disorders, cancer, and heart problems. The wound never goes away, it takes a new form. 

The wound that never heals. I grind my teeth at night, I can’t ever seem to relax, I scare easily, and my neck tension can break glass because it never heals. Not truly. I find myself wondering if I’ll ever be free of the ghost that haunts me. Will the tomb ever close? Will the scar ever fade? 

I guess some questions don’t have any answers. I guess some wounds never heal. 

Currently Consuming

Reading

• Seven Year Slip by Ashley Poston

  • OMG so good! Poston writes magical realism in such a beautiful and sometimes tragic way that feels like absolute art to me. 

  • Started Sunrise On The Reaping

Watching

• Paradise on Hulu 

Listening

• Nissan Ultima by Doechii

• MUTT by Leon Thomas 

Life Recently

Wrapped up the winter quarter! I did surprisingly well in my corporate finance class, but no one should trust me with stocks. Spring quarter is just around the corner, and I will be taking my capstone!!!! 

Got my 4-day Lolla ticket for 2025, and I am so excited yet so scared. I will need to prepare myself, but I can’t wait to see so many of my favorite artists in one weekend! 

See ya! 

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week!

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